


Fears

by shiritori



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, KH3 spoilers, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-15 21:35:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18081308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiritori/pseuds/shiritori
Summary: Post-KH3. A parallel between past and present. Isa looks back on his old worries as a child, and how this fear shifted over time.





	Fears

“What’s your biggest fear?”  
  
It was a question prompted by a game they often liked to play while stargazing: truth or dare. The former was typically easiest for him, since the very prospect of Lea’s outlandish dares sparked anxiety.   
  
“Death,” Isa eventually answered, albeit reluctantly. “Or rather, the thought of nonexistence.” He had never really spoken on the matter before. There had been no need, as their conversations were predominantly lighthearted in nature. Isa preferred to keep things like this to himself, for the most part. Lea wore his heart on his sleeve, but Isa prided himself on being difficult to read. Lea was seemingly exempt from this rule. Annoying as it could be, Isa was glad for someone who could understand him to such an extent.   
  
“Why? We’re immortal, remember?” It was a ridiculous notion, one that Lea seemed rather fond of. Immortality had been a joke between them for a long while now, prompted by Lea’s miraculous ability to escape stupidly risky situations with little more than a scratch.   
  
Isa snorted with thinly veiled amusement. “What are you talking about? Everyone dies, Lea.”   
  
“Hey, don’t say that.” Lea shifted to a sitting position, leaning over Isa with an uncharacteristically serious expression.   
  
Isa craned his neck to the side, as Lea’s face was now blocking his view of the sky. “Right, sorry. You can live forever in memories, stuff like that.” Lea had always been rather adamant on that subject, more so than anything else they had debated. Isa suspected it played into his own fears, but had never sought confirmation.   
  
Lea moved his head again, leaning in closer to place himself at the forefront of Isa’s vision. “Memories are everything, but that’s not what I’m saying here.” He still wore that odd, almost somber expression. “I meant that we’re immortal.”   
  
“That’s not an explanation and you know it.” Isa was impatient and somewhat flustered at the sudden invasion of personal space, but he willed himself to keep his cool.   
  
“Us. You and me. Ya know. Like—“ Lea gestured helplessly, waving an arm at the sky overhead. “Like soulmates.”   
  
There was a pause, where Isa was rendered temporarily mute from the boldness of the suggestion. “We’ve been dating for less than a week,” he finally said in an incredulous tone.   
  
“Shut up! Not just in that way—“ Isa noted the ‘just’ as a sign he had meant it at least partially in a romantic sense. “I mean..I can’t really explain it, but. I feel like no matter what happens, we’ll always be together.” There was a fierce glint in Lea’s eyes, and it was clear his words were sincere.   
  
Isa responded in turn, lifting a hand to idly twirl a bit of Lea’s hair that had fallen loose near his face. “If it’s death we’re dealing with, I can’t deny that’s a possibility.” Personally Isa never had expectations for any sort of afterlife, but he was open-minded. “But what about the other thing? Ceasing to exist completely. Losing your identity--your very sense of self-- and never knowing because you wouldn’t be around to comprehend it.” Isa wouldn’t admit it, but this was the aspect of passing on that unsettled him the most. The thought that he could just blink out one day with no warning. Or even worse, without realizing it. Carrying on as a mindless puppet blissfully unaware he had already met his end. That was the plot of the only horror movie that had ever truly frightened him, and it had been lingering in his mind ever since. Isa closed his eyes, shutting out the sun for a moment as he struggled against the whirlpool of mounting panic threatening to drag him down. There was a reason why he never talked about things like this.   
  
“Hey,” Lea ghosted fingers across his cheek, searching for tears that Isa absolutely refused to allow. He wasn’t even choked up at all, but it seemed like Lea could sense this was a difficult topic for him. “Forever means forever. Got it memorized?”   
  
“You’re being stubborn.”   
  
“I am. So what?”   
  
“You’re always like this. Especially with the topic at hand, I’ve noticed.”   
  
“And you love me for it.” A rather blunt statement for such a new concept to them. Although it wasn’t new at all, not really. They’d always cared deeply for each other, and this was just a previously untouched way of expressing it.   
  
“That I do.” Isa hesitated, realizing the boy hovering above him had dodged the point yet again, no doubt purposefully. He wondered if he should push the matter, but decided against it. Instead he leaned forwards slightly, closing the gap between them.   
  
It wasn’t their first kiss, and it wouldn’t be their last. But it still had a sense of finality to it, one that Isa could sense even back then. It was as if in that moment, their fate had been sealed.   
  
Two things Lea had said that night would stick in Isa’s head over the next decade, becoming a mantra of sorts. Forever is forever, and memories are everything.

 

\- - - - -  
  


It was mostly brief, instinctive flashes of thought and feeling. Rather than concrete memories, they were similar to the lingering remnants of a dream. The more Isa tried to chase them, the more they drifted out of reach. Sometimes he would stare a little too long at the hazy amber reflection of streetlights on rainy pavement, or freeze at the passing sound of a stranger’s laugh. Isa didn’t need to put it into words, and he was grateful for that. Lea seemed to instinctively understand. He had always been good at empathizing with others, a skill Isa had lacked. And so whenever he was struck with one of these odd moments, Lea would wait for him. Always patient, an unwavering beacon of support. Lea helped drag him back down to earth, tying him to the life he had now rather than painful echoes of the past.

 

And it was a good life, a better one than he’d ever realistically expected. He was home again, finally free from suffocating white walls and the cloying stench of darkness. Reconstruction of the city still had a long way to go, but the Restoration Committee had already made considerable progress in the few years since Radiant Garden was reclaimed. Isa had even managed to snag a spot on their management team, allocating resources where they were needed most and deciding which parts of the city’s old layout to keep and what could be improved upon. He quite enjoyed the work, more so than what he’d initially anticipated going into it. The labor was slow, but ultimately productive. And something that held a lot of meaning to him. It was no dream astronomy job, but he was happy.

 

The highlight of his day would always be returning to his house, a cozy little abode near the fountain district. The site of their former homes lay further away from the city center, in a segment of the city that had been all but razed to the ground. The higher ups had deemed it a low priority area, which Isa was determined to change. But for now, this location was perfect. Moving in with Lea had been an easy decision, and when Ansem had offered them the house as reparation for the horrors they’d been subjected to as children, he could hardly refuse. Roxas and Xion had an apartment where they attended school in Twilight Town, which was also funded by the castle’s reserves. On breaks and weekends they frequented Radiant Garden, and Isa often flew to Twilight Town after work to hang out or assist them with projects. At first he only visited alongside Lea, but as the awkwardness faded and they settled into more of a family dynamic, Isa would fly over of his own accord. Being split between two cities like this wasn’t ideal, but Isa’s heart and responsibilities lay in Radiant Garden and he couldn't ask those kids to give up the place that had always felt like home to them. They deserved what had been stolen from Lea and himself so long ago: the chance to grow up at their own pace in a safe town surrounded by those who care about them.

 

It was hard not to think back when he was constantly surrounded with so many reminders of his past. This was a caveat of choosing to live where he’d both grown up and lost his heart. There were memories tied to everything around him. A street where they found a stray dog once, a storm drain that had claimed Lea’s favorite frisbee and led to an impromptu journey through the sewers. These flashes were mostly pleasant, if bittersweet, snapshots into their former life. The painful memories were there too, mainly tied to the castle itself. Working there was stressful at first, but he managed. Isa avoided the labs, and everyone respected this. From the start, it had become obvious that honesty would be a necessity with this arrangement. It was still a struggle to be open even with himself after spending so long shutting people out, but Isa made an effort to try. So he voiced what made him uncomfortable, and confided in his friends whenever he was struggling. He would often reminisce with Lea when they were together. But sometimes he still preferred to ponder things alone. This was one of those nights, as he sat on a fountain’s edge gazing down at the rippling reflection of the moon.  
  
During his childhood he had always been somewhat reserved. He was the model student, in the eyes of many. Never afraid to state his opinion when asked, but often choosing to hang back in favor of watching his classmates. Isa felt as if he learned more by analyzing the classroom than from the teachers themselves. He could easily spot the holes in the other student’s arguments and use them to amend and strengthen his own. The process was simple, and one he knew all too well.   
  
Observe, pinpoint a weakness, execute.   
  
Again, one of those things that stirred up almost-memories. It was bitter ash on his tongue and a glint of steel in the moonlight. A wolf stalking its prey for days on end until it finally determined the optimal moment to lunge for the killing blow and drown the world in gold. Muffled sobs torn out by a blade as ruthless as its owner.   
  
It had been easier when he wasn’t in control. Terrifying at first, but he eventually found comfort in the moments where his mind buzzed to static. It was painfully ironic how quickly he had come to accept this fear of losing himself. He was always somewhat present, but his body was on autopilot. ‘Plausible deniability’ was one of the phrases that had been thrown around after the war was won. Many on the side of the keyblade wielders were sympathetic to his position, but there were also those who voted against the pardoning of himself and the others that had been tied up in Xehanort’s plans. In their eyes he was simply a byproduct of darkness, broken beyond repair. Xehanort was dead, so they wanted a scapegoat. It was only natural. The need for blame was understandable, so Isa paid no mind to the glares he sometimes received walking through the city streets. Radiant Garden had suffered greatly, more so than the other worlds claimed by darkness. The Fall happened so swiftly not all were able to relocate in time. And with Ansem and the castle guard opting for a seige approach, the citizens were left to fend for themselves. Many were reborn in a similar fashion to Isa and the rest, but not all. This great loss of life was what drove him forwards in his work to help others, despite the scorn he often received. Once he’d have been outraged to take the blame for a calamity beyond his control, but now Isa carried that weight with a weary acceptance.   
  
Of course they all struggled with their own demons, some worse than others. It was their burden to bear, and Isa was fine with it. He was lucky, all things considered. After everything he had still managed to regain his heart, body, and mind. He had a family now, and he loved them more than anything. The sun, the moon, and their two stars shining through the twilight mist. It was a picturesque ending, one fit for a storybook. It was more than he could have ever hoped for.   
  
It was entirely unfair.   
  
He still felt this lingering sense of dread, as if he shouldn’t be here. Similar to when Lea had dragged him into various schemes of dubious legality in days gone by. Sometimes he entered his own house and for an instant he was holding his breath behind a hedge on the castle grounds. Arguing the technicalities of blame was a fruitless endeavor, as it would do little to ease the crushing weight of guilt that had settled deep within his chest. His memories were fragmented, but he was still very much aware of his own actions within the Organization. He knew the series of events and how everything had played out, but had difficulty recalling anything beyond an impersonal recap. His own thoughts and ghosts of emotions he may have felt at the time were still a mystery for the most part. It seemed Lea had no issues with this, and as such Isa suspected the lack of memories regarding individuality was a result of Xehanort’s prolonged influence over his mind. As far as he knew Terra was the only one who described a similar experience, which only strengthened this theory. He supposed the automatic distance was nice, in a way. It helped build a concrete separation between Saix of the past and himself in the present. Still, at times the cold numbness made him sick. He was working from the facts here, and could only guess at the reasoning behind some of his past actions. Back then he’d convinced himself that miserable state of existence had split him into a being of pure logic. After all, there were no longer any emotions to interfere with his decisions. Nothing to sway him from what must be done. Oh how wrong he was. In retrospect he felt like a fool, denying what had been in plain sight for so long.

 

Roxas and Xion had made Axel truly feel something again. Tangible, undeniable emotion that defied all reason. And now Isa realized they were to thank for his own shift in demeanor, near the end. Axel’s first taste of emotion had been love for his newfound family. The need to protect what was in front of him had outweighed the tired notion of striving for a seemingly unreachable goal. Years of hard work had granted very little progress in regaining their hearts or finding the girl once held in captivity. And tired of chasing ghosts, Lea had latched onto the present moment and found a cause that could light the spark he’d been seeking for so long. Isa wasn’t so lucky. This pathetic shadow of a heart had manifested itself as jealousy, sharp and bitter. And only then could he feel the underlying anger that had been driving him forward for so long. It was rage beyond reason, a swift undercurrent threatening to overwhelm his senses at any moment. And when he did allow it to take control, it was different from before. Berserking had once sent his consciousness into a state of almost peaceful dissociation. Now it was like wading through a river of dissonance, icy tar filling his lungs as a whirlpool of screams sucked him down into the murky depths. And this Styx became his own personal hell, something he dreaded. Because it made no sense why he’d be struggling with this now, after years of brutal training had hardened his edges and honed him to flawless lethality. The fighting style he’d mastered was hinged on relinquishing control, but he’d never actually felt unsafe while doing so. What had he worked so hard for all these years if his own mind would prove to be his downfall? During those few moments of lucidity in the final battle, he could do little more than hold his head and cry out in agony as daggers pierced his skull and keyblades rained down from above. A call for help, manifesting itself in the only way he knew how. And it had worked, in the end. Despite everything Lea was once again hovering over him, blocking out the sky with his own blinding light. That tearful smile sweetened the taste of death, and the following kiss moments before he faded finally left him with a reason to pray to whatever tyrant god responsible for these endless years of pain for another chance at life.  
  
Maybe immortality wasn’t so far from the truth after all.

 

“You’re upset.”

 

The sudden voice echoing through the courtyard startled Isa from his thoughts, but he quickly relaxed at the familiar tone. He gave a noncommittal hum, watching Lea approach the fountain where he sat. “I haven’t said a word.”

 

“Don’t need to.” Lea took a seat beside him, wincing at the shock from the fountain’s spray. Isa was wearing a jacket that slicked off the stray droplets, but Lea’s sweater would no doubt end up soaked. “It’s the way you’re sitting. Like you’re trying to make yourself as small as possible.”

 

Crossed arms held close to his chest, one leg propped over the other. Isa hadn’t even realized he was so tense until he had been called out on it. “I trust you’re not just here to analyze my body language?”

 

“Nah.” Before Isa could ask, Lea offered the reasoning behind his deduction. “You never sat like that before. Only during the later years of the Organization.”

 

Right, one of Saix’s mannerisms. Or rather, Xehanort’s. He hurriedly uncrossed his arms, instead choosing to grip the edge of the fountain. The stone was cold and damp against his bare skin, and he welcomed the sensation. It was the little things like this that unsettled him the most. How easily one could fall back into learned behavior. “Why do you have to be so damn perceptive?”

 

“It’s part of the charm.” Lea wasn’t wrong there. And honestly, Isa wouldn’t have it any other way. Flashing a warm smile, Lea rested a hand on his shoulder. The gentle weight was reassuring. Isa closed his eyes in return, leaning into the touch.

 

“You know I’m here if talking would help.”

 

He’d been trying to open up more, for the sake of both of them. The hardest part was figuring out where to begin unravelling the tangled knot wound deep within his heart. But Isa was quieter now, overall. Or so he had been told. He hadn’t noticed a difference until Lea had pointed it out recently. Now that he was aware of the change, he could definitely see it for himself. Where he once would have chimed in with a quick jab or retort there was only silence. Isa found that during these moments, he was simply unsure of what to say and when to say it. He was more hesitant now, afraid of speaking out of turn and accidentally causing harm. The banter between himself and Lea had always felt so effortless, but now it was halting and unsure. They had moved past walking on eggshells long ago, but now Isa was treading on a self-imposed path of fine china. He knew they’d move beyond this too, eventually. When more time had passed and old wounds had the chance to heal over. Recovery was an ongoing process, and they were both very aware of this. He’d learned that honesty was an important step in building back those bridges, so this time Isa decided to share what was on his mind. Talking things over with Lea almost always made him feel better. Rather than take him up on the offer directly, he went for a different approach.

 

“Hey Lea. Truth or dare?”

  
“Wait, what? Where’s this coming from?” Lea raised an eyebrow, obviously confused at the question. At Isa’s glare, understanding seemed to dawn upon him. “Oh. Well, I’m feeling like this is a truth sort of night.” In their childhood Lea had always favored dares, much to Isa’s chagrin. Thankfully he caught the drift here.

 

“Do you still believe it? What you used to say when we were young. Memories are everything.” He called back to the old quote so casually, as if he hadn’t been repeating it over and over when memories were all he had to remind him why life was something worth fighting for.

 

Lea spent a few moments in silence, gathering his thoughts. Isa took the opportunity to lay flat against the stone wall, head resting in Lea’s lap as he faced the sky. Since his return to Radiant Garden, stargazing had quickly reclaimed its place as one of his favorite pastimes. The familiar view brought with it a certain sense of stability and comfort.

 

When Lea finally spoke, he lowered a hand to settle lightly in Isa’s hair. “Memories are important, but they can’t define us completely. It’s a double-edged blade. The effect you leave behind on people-- it can be a gift, but just as easily cause harm. And sometimes you misjudge.”

 

“It wasn’t all an oversight.” And that was the sickening part, what fueled the guilt that often kept him awake at night. There was a time where he’d knowingly hurt those who were now closest to him. And so many others he’d never see again. Innocent bystanders caught in the carnage of a struggle that was not their own. There was no way to tell for sure how much blood was on his hands, and Isa wasn’t sure he’d want to know even if it were possible.

 

“Of course not. Conflict is...it’s cruel, Isa.” There was a slight tug as the hand moved to stroke downwards, gently combing through his hair. This was a new method of comfort, one that Lea had quickly picked up on when they’d been reunited after the war. “The important thing is to cherish the good moments and learn from the bad.”

 

It was true that Isa had learned a lot throughout this whole ordeal. About himself, the world as a whole, and his relationships with others. He was still struggling for self-acceptance, but at least he had a better understanding of things than before. He was able to identify exactly what had led him to the eventual downfall that had nearly severed his bond with Lea. Now that he’d strayed onto the wrong path he could move forwards along a better one, making amends wherever possible. They had made an oath then, when Isa had first regained consciousness. Joint sobs echoing through laboratory halls as they swore to never allow anything or anybody to tear them apart again.

 

“My turn now. Truth or dare?”

 

At least he’d answered directly this time. Isa was satisfied, so he supposed a question in return was fair. “Is there a point in asking?”

 

“Well, yeah. Otherwise it’s not a game.” As if they were doing this for fun in the first place. Lea mulled over his options, still stroking through Isa’s hair. “When you wake during the night, you look so...terrified. What is it that you’re scared of?”

 

This question did catch him a bit off guard. Isa had never confided in him or anyone else about the nightmares. And Lea didn’t push him to say anything, always helping him through it without question. Speaking about it in the moment would only make the experience more painful, but Lea deserved to know. Maybe not the full details yet, but the recurring themes that caused him to panic.

 

From the direction these questions were taking Isa was sure Lea was also thinking back on that night so many years ago. It was one of the last they had spent together, perched on a rooftop in their favorite spot overlooking the castle gardens. He had known infiltrating the castle was a risky move, but neither of them could have ever guessed that only a few days later they would wind up as the next victims of the horrific experiments that had already claimed hundreds of innocent lives. So Isa looked back fondly on that last week or so, where the mounting pressure of continuing their investigation without being caught was briefly drowned out by the innocent joy of newfound love. He settled for a simple response, falling into Lea’s old habit of avoiding the real question at hand. “You asked this before.”

 

“And the answer?”

 

Isa should have known it would be pointless to try such tactics against the king of deflection himself. “...Dying is overrated.”

 

This earned a chuckle from Lea. Oh how he’d missed that sound. “You were able to face your fears, at least.”

 

“As for you?” This time Isa’s curiosity got the best of him. He might as well ask.

 

“Hey, it’s my turn to ask the questions here.” Lea paused from doting on Isa’s hair to leave a reprimanding tap on his nose. “...You’re right though, it’s the same for me. When we were kids, I...I really didn’t like the idea that I could ever lose you.” He smiled down at Isa, a bit sadly. “Guess that never changed.”

 

No matter how much Lea tried to hide it, Isa could still hear that lingering pain in his voice. Even during the quieter moments like this, emotions still ran high. It was so much better than not feeling at all, but almost a full year later and he still found himself adjusting. So when he spoke to open up in return, it was a struggle not to get choked up. “I wasn’t afraid of death as a concept, but more so the threat of losing myself. Now that I’ve lived out that reality...I’ve come to accept it.” It was still there, a distant possibility but present nonetheless. The lingering fear he would once again be dragged down by the mind of another. It would never truly disappear, but at least it was no longer a driving factor in his life. Isa refused to give that fear the opportunity to control him. “That’s not what haunts me now. Not exactly.” Now that he’d started, speaking like this was a lot easier. “I’m not frightened of myself, or the possibility of Xehanort’s shadow still lurking in my mind. I’m afraid that I’ll lose everything we’ve worked to rebuild. Our home, our family. Us.” There was no hiding the tremor in his voice, and this time when Lea shifted a hand to Isa’s cheek he was met with tears. Once he might have blamed it on the fountain spray, but now he valued such displays of emotion. It was a sign of life, a reminder that they could allow themselves to simply feel without shame or denial.

 

“Isa...I won’t let that happen.” Those words were spoken with so much conviction Isa could almost believe it.

 

“I know--I know. And yet...” His throat was tight again, and so he took a shuddering breath rather than try to finish the thought.

 

“That’s the thing about fear.” Lea was blotting out the stars again, a curtain of crimson to shield Isa from the world. “It can be irrational, but that doesn’t lessen the pain.”

 

Isa’s words were little more than a whisper. “For so long I’d assumed I was too far gone. I only feared that you would be taken away from me as well. That’s why it broke me, when...” he trailed off, as there was no need to further explain. They’d already discussed this and made amends, but speaking of past mistakes never got any easier.

 

“I’ll do anything to ensure you never have to feel that way again.” Lea’s voice took on a slightly grim edge, reminiscent of days gone by. Isa hadn’t heard that in a while, but here it was welcome.

 

Isa laughed breathlessly. “I’m the only one responsible this time around. And that’s the one thing you would never do. Hurt me.” After all, it was Isa’s own mind supplying the nightmares and the anxiety that followed him through the day.

 

“Inflicting pain isn’t the only solution.” Internal warfare like this wasn’t the type of combat they were accustomed to. Lashing out was all they’d been taught, and Isa still had to remind himself of this, even when the foes he faced were no longer a physical threat.

 

“Then what is?”

 

Lea’s silence spoke volumes here. Neither of them had all the answers, even if it was easier to pretend otherwise. Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks as Isa closed his eyes. The sun often had a blinding effect and now was one of the times where he had to look away for fear of making the pain worse.

 

“Love.”

 

Isa wasn’t expecting an answer, so his eyes flew open at that. Such a deceptively simple word for how drastically it had shaped his life. “I know you love me, but that won’t stop the nightmares.”

 

Lea moved his head closer to press lips against Isa’s forehead. “s’ not an instant fix.”

 

“Nothing ever is.” His breathing was steadier now, soothed by Lea’s touch.

 

“That’s not always a bad thing.” And it was true. If life’s problems were so easy to solve then he’d never have realized the how much of a difference embracing his emotions could make.

 

“Guess I’m a long-term project.” Isa dipped into that sense of dry humor as the darkness clutching at his heart began to retreat, warded off by the flame that had always lit up his life.

 

“You’d better be,” From the smile against his skin, Isa knew Lea was glad that the encouragement had finally managed to get through.

 

“I am. Because we’re immortal, right?” He managed to surprise Lea with that, and Isa savored the brief expression of wonder before it was drowned out by a proper kiss. And he suddenly understood what Lea had meant all those years ago.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr @saixy and i spend most of my time yelling about seasalt family so feel free to scream in unison or support my work over there. thank you for reading, and as always feedback is very much appreciated!


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